I can’t remember exactly what we did for Valentine’s Day 2016, but I do know it was our last together after 10 years of marriage. The kids were away for a few days with the grandparents and as ever, alone we argued more.
The longstanding cracks in our marriage had finally snapped. My wife had decided there was no way back for us. I on the other hand was resisting this. “The kids need us to be together, it will all blow over, we will work it out and be even stronger” is what I would say. I look back and think that this was just fear talking.
The hopes and dreams I had for us would now never come true.
The feelings of fear over those few weeks were overwhelming. I’d not even told my parents about the counselling we had been having for the past two years, or discussed with anyone the trouble we had been having.
Why would I? I’m a man, In general, us men would rather chop off our right arms than talk about something like this.
Men are more reluctant to open up and talk. Maybe we think it’s a sign of weakness or just not wanting to admit to ourselves that there is a problem, and that talking about it makes it real. Whatever the reason is, we bottle things up.
I eventually crumbled, and opened up with my family, friends and colleagues. The love and support I got in return was overwhelming. It was this love and support that helped me through the first week or so.
Guys don’t be too tough to talk, tell people how you feel, we’re all human and want the best for each other. Open up, you will be amazed at the love and support that comes your way.
Don’t be that angry guy that bottles things up and blames other people. That guy’s angry, he’d rather be angry at everyone else rather than look at himself.
As for the divorce I was clueless as to where to start. I wanted somebody to explain it all to me, but who was there?
The Citizens Advice Bureau and solicitors gave me a mountain of cold and intimidating information. It felt like I was at the foot of this mountain, and I hadn’t got a clue where to start.
Gradually I found the way through.
Taking responsibility for the situations we find ourselves in is always the first step in finding a solution. Once that penny has dropped and there is no way back, there is no place for denial and blame. Ultimately both sides will need to take the responsibility to find an amicable solution to resolve the mountain of issues that separation will throw up. Whether it’s financial or family issues, the resolution to these issues can only be solved by compromise, on both sides.
With time the experiences you have throughout divorce, however unpleasant will make you a stronger person. In time you will see that you don’t need anybody else to make the hopes and dreams you had come true, they’re yours, and you’re strong enough to do whatever it takes to make them come true. You are free to finally build the life you always wanted.