My dear heart, how could I let you get this way? You used to be so full of love, trust and happiness, but now you are a heavy, timid mass seeking refuge in my ribcage rather than perching proud as punch on my sleeve. What have I done to you?
My marriage ended in the ultimate rejection and humiliation some four and half years ago now. I feel betrayed by my [then] husband and his best friend, who had fallen in love and together had plotted my demise. At the beginning of 2012 my husband coerced me in to bankruptcy with the promise of a fresh start and the beginnings of a family together. Just 5 months in to the bankruptcy and with an audience of his closest friends, he announced the end of our marriage at a friend’s wedding. The devastation that followed was so intense that it changed my heart and my trusting nature forever.
Now married, my ex husband and his partner in crime had no fallout from the devastation they had caused, happily plodding on in their menial lives together with no care or thought for the impact they had made on my life or character. As I type this open letter to my once brave heart, I am saddened that I still haven’t found someone to love or who will love my cold and protected heart.
From the day it happened, I feel like there have been concrete flood barriers placed around my heart, an impenetrable wall housing my love, trust and openness towards new relationships and people. Before meeting my ex, I was the girl with the big personality, big heart (and big bottom). My heart was worn on my sleeve, and yes it was tested from time-to-time, but I continued to wear my trusting nature and open heart as a badge of honour for the person I was. Today I couldn’t be further from this person.
My recent dating history is an awkward list of crazy fails, I even dated a real-life psychopath as I had thought that ‘someone is better than no one’ (errr… nope!), admittedly and not surprisingly I find it hard to trust guys. Online dating is a minefield of disingenuous, vacuous undesirables with only a handful of genuine, amazing guys that you really have to filter carefully to find. I was lucky enough recently to meet an amazing guy and he ticked pretty much every box on my imaginary list – including: 1.) Makes me laugh, 2.) Kind, 3.) Happy with his life and job. 4.) Open & honest. Hoorah… but wait… what is holding me back from going feet (or head) first in to a relationship with this amazing guy? Me.
I am the reason I am single. I am the one that needs to break down my internal barriers to finding love and learning to trust someone again. I do not need to wait for the right guy to come along with a hammer and chisel to chip away at my stone cold heart, the responsibility is all mine.
I love me and I love what I have to offer the world and in time I will learn to trust, or even just know that if my next relationship fails I know I have the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.
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