Finding calm in a chaotic mind. The search for a solution to ‘sleep’ in one of the worst times of my life so far!
By day I was a creative marketing manager, by night I was a worrier of life, love and money. Throughout my twenties and thirties I found it difficult to sleep, whether I was working out the intricacies of a website and planning the project or trying to cover up my anxieties about money (or lack of it), I would have moments in the night where I would wake and remain awake for hours.
Enduring a stressful job, coupled with an unhappy marriage, my lack of sleep was the last thing on my mind, I lived on the edge of stress. This is not something I am proud of or wear as a badge of honour, it was merely what I was used to.
The worrying about money and the unhappy marriage reached a final crescendo in 2012. My then husband coerced me in to bankruptcy with the twinkle of a fresh start and the beginning of a family… but then just 5 months in to the bankruptcy, he left me for his best friend (a girl he had lived with at university, who read at my wedding, who caused the argument that ended my marriage)…
Now my worries and anxieties had been replaced with real actions and damage to my very being — I was homeless, penniless and felt worthless. I cried and stressed, cried and worried — “what would the future hold for me now?”. Sleep was impossible as my dreams were filled with the reality of what I was going through and my mind was a chaotic fog of questions:
How long have they been together?
Who knew about them?
Was everyone laughing at me?
Are his parents still in touch just because they feel guilty?
Why won’t he speak to me?
Have they been together whilst in my house?
Is she with him now? Are they sleeping in our bed?
Did they plot my demise together?
Was the bankruptcy a malicious plan to leave me with nothing?
What will my family think?
How can I afford food?
Round and round in my head my thoughts and questions whirled and more potent as darkness fell. As the divorce process began, the more worried and stressed I became as the actions of my ex affected my family and friendships, not only was I losing out financially and materially — I was losing the people around me who I thought were ‘on my side’.
As the weeks turned to months, my health was beginning to suffer with the lack of good sleep. Something HAD to change.